Personal Biography

Personal Biography

At our wedding, when I looked at his eyes, I thought that the world would never end, but I guess I was about to wake from my love slumber. Everything about us was excellent and in a million years from the short period we had been together prior our marriage, you would never have thought that one day we will go apart. Max was handsome looking with everything a girl wants from a man and I think to him, I was the world and the most beautiful girl she has ever seen, at least that is what he said.

Being family friends, we had known each other for a while. My father quite knew about his family and would sometimes travel to the U.S. and bring pictures of his visit. That was how I came to know about my prince charming who never was. Prior to all this, I could not forsee marrying a U.S. citizen since I am a Muslim and our religion rarely encourages intermarriage, and so the thought of having a relationship never crossed my mind, but fate had otherwise. This is my personal biography about my marriage that went sour.

After, I reached the age going to university, it pleased my dad that I should go and study abroad and his country of choice was the U.S. I was excited considering that in our country as a lady there are many restrictions on the female gender. In Saudi Arabia, there is a systematic menchauvism since women were not allowed to drive or even attend game events where men and women were participants and many more restrictions (Perper, 2018).

So, I thought I was getting away and all privileges that I had been denied I would enjoy, but I guess there is nothing truly painful like a heartache and it can never be compared to my childhood challenges or pains. After getting to the U.S., I was picked by the family of my ex-husband with whom I would stay with during short school breaks when I could not to go home. During my stay, the family was good and Max was so kind and accommodating. We behaved like sister and brother, and he got my back considering that my ethnicity and religion would make me susceptible to harassment.

During my time at the university, I made a few friends and when I had issues, I usually talked with Max. To me, Max was not just a family friend only, but also someone who I could share my problems with. It was during that time, I began to bond with him. My roommate thought that Max was my boyfriend and when he called, while I was not around, she would say that your boyfriend  called.

At first, I tried to convince my roommate that Max was just a family friend, but she did not buy the idea, she had seen the future. She usually did come with a lot of arguments to support her point and she actually won most of them. This is because I never had a boyfriend and when I was invited to parties, I never hanged out with male friends. This trend continued and we started to have night call chats that would last for about 30 minutes to an hour where we would tell each other how we longed to be together.

Sometimes, Max would compliment me and tell me dirty jokes and I would not get mad about it. It was during this time, I began to fall for Max. I knew he was falling for me too due to the frequency of calls and questions like, do you have a boyfriend or have you even been with a boy. After my graduation, I was about to go back home with my parents, but since I had not finished some issues, I requested my family to leave me for a month, and then, I would follow suit.

In that time, it became apparent that I would not be seeing Max, and I was getting used to the freedoms of westernization and I could not imagine getting back into my country and being married to a man chauvinist. Max too hanged around my room too much than he had before, and even frequently proposed that we go to movies or camping. He seemed interested in spending more time in isolation and giving me treats and I tagged along.

All this time, I was wondering what was really going on since Max never told me that he loved me, neither did I, but I used to get jealous seeing him being cozy with any other girl. It happened that one day that I and Max went hiking and I slipped into his arms such that I lied on by back on his arms and he was above me. This was the first time that Max held me. He looked at me suggestively and hesitated from lifting me up and I was not in a hurry either to get up, I felt at peace and I could feel how strong his arms were.

He lifted me up and tapped on my back casually. That is really offensive in Saudi Arabia, but when Max did it, I did not not react negatively. The more we did spend time together, the more Max got touchy with me and I never said anything to stop him. Sometime we would watch movies and there were instances when couples and even boyfriends and girlfriends had sex. Max was comfortable with such sceneries, but I was uncomfortable with them and he would openly ask me if I am shy.

In some cases, I would excuse myself and fantasize about that with Max. On one auspicious night, we were left alone with Max. His parent had gone for a family dinner and Max offered to be left behind since the parents felt that it was inappropriate for me to be left alone. It was in the last week I had before leaving for Saudi Arabia, and it happened that we were talking about me leaving and never seeing each other. We were on the balcony, the sky was clear with stars being shiny and the moon appeared brighter.

Our conversation was a bit emotional and Max approached and said that “have I ever told you that you are beautiful?” I got tensed and excited while he approached and held me from my waist looked deeply at me and kissed me. I felt offended and ran into my bedroom and max followed. He held me close to his chest as he patted on my back saying that he was sorry and it frightened him that I was leaving. I was afraid that I was going to leave him and probably I would not get a chance to see him again.

At that time, I stretched my arms around his waist as I got calm, and he played a soothing music in the background. The lights of my bedroom were off and every time Max spoke was like he knew what I felt and what I wanted to be told. I was no longer afraid of him and I could feel every part of him against me and his body’s warmth and so could he also feel mine. It was not that long, we started kissing and then it ‘happened’. Max was shocked that I was a virgin all those years, though I had told him that I have never had any relationship with any person, it is like he thought that I was joking with him.

After that happened, I became tensed and Max noted and inquired why I was anxious. I told him that in Saudi Arabia, it would be shameful if people found out that I am not a virgin and it will be challenging to be married. Jokingly he said that “I can marry you.” I felt relieved and embraced him as if he was already my husband, but perhaps today I know that must be the most difficult time of Max since he might have been caught unaware and maybe he was not ready for marriage or be committed to me.

We sat down that night and planned how we would tell our parents about our decision to marry since I could not just tell my parents that I would not go back on account that Max was my boyfriend. We began breaking the news to Max’s parents who told my parent about the issue. Our parents did not know how to react because they were family friends and thus, remained supportive. Our parents came to the U.S. and made the necessary preparations.

The Turning Point

We did a simple wedding, and we officially became husband and wife. The thought of being married to an American was interesting and I was happy that I was in a relationship where I was considered an equal, at least that is what I thought. I was not privy to the fact that the sweetness and kindness that Max had shown me would start to fade away and Max would be a stranger and one that got away.

Yes, our relationship became murky and cold, but I was hopeful. After we rented our own apartment, the first months were filled with the joy of newly weds. However, after a year and six months I got pregnant. I was so thrilled and happy and prepared how I will share the good news with Max. After breaking out the news, Max appeared to be sad and did not share an ounce of my happiness. That night he appeared distracted and as if he was carrying a heavy burden.

I was troubled about what might be bothering him that much and I approached him to inquire more about the issue. Then, the relationship was not that bad off and I was obliged to listen to my husband. Max told me how we were not prepared to have a baby and it would not be appropriate to raise a child in the environment we were in. Deep inside, I became sad, but I could not show it.

I could not imagine that I was going to lose my child, but I was torn between the love I had for Max and fear of losing him, and the idea that Max was proposing. After strong persuasion from him, I reluctantly agreed with his decision. I did not anticipate that this moment of my life would be our turning point. On the day we were supposed to go to the clinic, Max prepared the breakfast and called for a cab, he was just extremely nice.

Despite that, I was having second thoughts and I did not want to go to the clinic, but Max would come up with nice and heart melting words that seemed to ward off my doubts and ideas. I feigned to be excited like Max and showed that the issue was not a big deal, but inside I was bleeding. We went into the clinic and Max talked to the attendant explaining the situation and what needed to be done.

While all this was happening, I stayed on the waiting lounge hoping that Max would change his heart and I was tempted to run, but that thought was hindered by the fact that I was not yet a full citizen. The nurse called me and I knew that it was time. I dragged my feet to the place where everything was supposed to be done. The physician noticed that I was not comfortable and asked if I was having second thoughts. Being afraid, I showed approval for the procedure. After it was over, I remember lying on that cold bed with tears dripping out of my eyes and wondering if Max was the right one.

A lot of thoughts were running in my mind at that time and what pulled me from the deep thoughts was Max’s tap on my shoulder. He said something, but I could not get it, I was just aloof and in pain. When we got back home, Max and I drifted apart, I was in mourning and Max started to spend more time away from me than he previously did. I thought maybe he was giving me time to physically and emotionally heal from the loss of my child.

In spite of that, I could notice that Max was being negative and less concerned about me. Sometimes, he would receive calls and be excessively cheerful than he was with me and that killed me because I could feel that I was losing him. He began to hang out with some friends and would come late at night and leave early in the morning. I could prepare dinner waiting to partake it with him, but he would still come late even after confirming that he would be home early.

Since we had a norm of eating together, it became challenging for me to eat alone and I started to skip some meals. That coupled with hormonal changes made me to gain weight, and Max never complained about the issue until I tried to have a talk and seek what was really happening to us. In our argument, I sought to know why he comes late and his loss of interest in spending time with me. In an outburst, he said, “who would love to spend his time with a fat wife like you.”

Those words pierced my soul, they were so painful such that I started to cry. I could not imagine that Max would say that to me. When he saw that I was crying, he looked at me in surprise and said, “are you a baby…?” I was hurting, my prince charming was saying all the harsh things I never expected him to say. I imagined that I was the way I was because of him and he did not have the decency to be considerate.

I sobbed and wiped my tears and retreated to the bedroom. What followed was a period of verbal and emotional mistreatment. He started noticing so many negatives about me such as the way I dress, cook, walk, look, how I do my things, and even complained about bedroom matters. He became sexually active with me and yet I could feel like it was one way experience. I truly wanted to share that moment with him, but he was rough and not gentle as he used to be.

Sometimes, he would get in me when I was not ready and it was painful and I could not complain because I loved him and for the fear if I did, he would leave me. This continued for a while and I attempted to talk with him about the issue. He would apologize and change, but that would not last. Things got worse when he started to take alcohol and continued to hang out with his friends who seemed to dislike me since they never invited me along.

He would come home drunk and overact about small issues. All this time, I was hopeful that he would change and I was afraid to share the issue with my or Max’s parents. I continued to suffer until I amassed some strength and told Max that this will not continue and that he has to change. After that talk, since I mainly complained about how he hurts me by not adequately preparing me before he gets into me, he began to avoid me.

A month passed without me and Max having any serious confrontation and I was a bit happy, but I was worried because Max did not behave in any way romantically towards me or showed any signs of interest in me. I attempted to dress in a sexy way trying to invite him, but he cared less. This did hurt me emotionally and I would even get naked in front of a mirror and look at myself wondering what was wrong with my body.

My friends would tell me that I had a beautiful shape, but to Max, I was invisible. In some occasions, he would get calls from Shiney, our mutual friend and that never bothered me because she also frequently called me and came by to soothe me when I conveyed to her what Max had done. Nonetheless, I began to get suspicious when Shiney started to excessively be comfortable around Max and I would find Shiney with Max alone in our house.

I confronted Max about the issue and he said that “Shiney is just a close friend.” I believed him, however, one day while he was taking a shower, Shiney called. I attempted to get the phone Max, but she hanged up. What followed was a message, since it was Shiney our mutual friend I opened it. “Hey sweetheart, you promised me that you will marry me, we have already bought a house and made all the necessary preparations for the baby.”

At first, I thought this is definitely a wrong message, how could Shiney be texting my Max about a baby and house, how, that was not possible. No sooner I had finished reading the message than Max got out of the shower. He saw that I was in shock and asked why I was like that. I just showed the message to him and it was the way he reacted that gave him up. He was in shock and started to apologize. I felt betrayed knowing that Max has been the only man to ever be in my life.

Max put on his clothes and went away. On the next day, he came back with divorce papers, which he had signed and told me to sign. I tried all I could to convince him that I was ready to change. I did not know what my mistakes were, but if Max told me that I had some issues that needed to be changed I would have willingly obliged. However, Max was fixated on getting the divorce. I remember wondering why I had to go through all this. I reflected on all the verbal abuse, not going back to Saudi Arabia, giving him my all, and the abortion.

I was even willing to let Shiney become a co-wife, but very unwilling to let Max go. I wondered why Max would not tell Shiney to abort if that is what made him want to marry her, he had told me to do that. I imagined about all the things that I sacrificed to be with Max, and now he was booting me. I took me a week before I signed the divorce papers, this was after my mum encouraged me to leave Max after telling her what I had gone through.

Healing and Starting a New Chapter

After the divorce I went into depression and I could not imagine that I was already a divorcee after 2 years of marriage. I called my mother again and talked about what had happened and she advised to me be positive that I was still young and not to worry that much. I did not see the need of visiting a counselor, at least that is what I thought. After the divorce, I was left with the house and really alone since most of the friends that I had were more aligned to Max and Shiney.

            Nonetheless, Kevin was concerned about what had happened and came to visit me. Kevin had been Max’s best friend since high school and came to be one of the few friends I had since he often visited Max. He soothed me left a number of a psychiatrist if I needed to talk to anyone about what had really happened. Later, I decided to call the professional who gave me direction of where he was stationed.

            When we began the treatment, I was not sure that I would get anything and I was a bit conservative about sharing anything with the professional. However, he established a good rapport and my confidence towards him grew. Now that I have got used to him, I am really responding to the treatment positively. I have realized that I do not have to be reliant on anyone to be happy and that I am the author of my life.

The counselling has helped me to be vigilant and know my worth. I am confident about my body and I know that I was not to blame for the problem that I encountered in my marriage. In fact, Max did not deserve such a good girl like me and he is the one who lost. Also, I know that I can remarry and have a family and be happy than I have ever been if I get the right person. At least, I won’t be in a hurry to get married this time. 

Furthermore, I am making true friends and I have become an outgoing person than I was before. If I don’t like anything, I am ready to voice my opinion and not ready to continue to suffer in silence. I have applied for a new job, which I was called for an interview and I will be happy to secure it. I plan to continue with my studies since I have nothing that is tying me down and I would love to continue sharing my experience with women out there and hope that they will get out of abusive relationship early to avoid what I went through.

In conclusion, I believe that love is important in marriage, but as a woman you should not let any man use you on account of loving him too much. You should be bold enough and make appropriate decisions that will ensure that you are happy. Again, do rush into marriage or be influence by family members or culture like it was in my case. As you can see, getting intimate with Max got me into marriage since in Saudi being not a virgin would have been shameful if I happened to be in an arranged marriage. Also, I am sure that Max never intended to marry me. Therefore, make sure that before you have those goose bumps, both of you are prepared for the marriage. Apart from emotional and some physical abuse, Max never raised his arm on me or battered me, we were just not right for each other. However, that does not mean emotional and verbal abuse is not bad. In fact, it hurts more than you can ever imagine. Above all, that marriage has taught me a lot and I am not just any girl, but a strong one who is ready to achieve her dreams no matter what and pursue a life of happiness and completeness.

 

References

Perper, R. (2018, June 27). Saudi Arabian women can now drive ? Here are the biggest changes they've seen in just over a year. Retrieved from https://www.businessinsider.com/womens-rights-in-saudi-arabia-driving-ban-2018-3?IR=T