Personal
Biography
At our wedding, when I
looked at his eyes, I thought that the world would never end, but I guess I was
about to wake from my love slumber. Everything about us was excellent and in a
million years from the short period we had been together prior our marriage,
you would never have thought that one day we will go apart. Max was handsome
looking with everything a girl wants from a man and I think to him, I was the
world and the most beautiful girl she has ever seen, at least that is what he
said.
Being family friends,
we had known each other for a while. My father quite knew about his family and
would sometimes travel to the U.S. and bring pictures of his visit. That was
how I came to know about my prince charming who never was. Prior to all this, I
could not forsee marrying a U.S. citizen since I am a Muslim and our religion
rarely encourages intermarriage, and so the thought of having a relationship
never crossed my mind, but fate had otherwise. This is my personal biography
about my marriage that went sour.
After, I reached the age
going to university, it pleased my dad that I should go and study abroad and
his country of choice was the U.S. I was excited considering that in our
country as a lady there are many restrictions on the female gender. In Saudi
Arabia, there is a systematic menchauvism since women were not allowed to drive
or even attend game events where men and women were participants and many more
restrictions (Perper, 2018).
So, I thought I was
getting away and all privileges that I had been denied I would enjoy, but I
guess there is nothing truly painful like a heartache and it can never be
compared to my childhood challenges or pains. After getting to the U.S., I was
picked by the family of my ex-husband with whom I would stay with during short
school breaks when I could not to go home. During my stay, the family was good and
Max was so kind and accommodating. We behaved like sister and brother, and he
got my back considering that my ethnicity and religion would make me
susceptible to harassment.
During my time at the
university, I made a few friends and when I had issues, I usually talked with
Max. To me, Max was not just a family friend only, but also someone who I could
share my problems with. It was during that time, I began to bond with him. My
roommate thought that Max was my boyfriend and when he called, while I was not
around, she would say that your boyfriend
called.
At first, I tried to
convince my roommate that Max was just a family friend, but she did not buy the
idea, she had seen the future. She usually did come with a lot of arguments to
support her point and she actually won most of them. This is because I never
had a boyfriend and when I was invited to parties, I never hanged out with male
friends. This trend continued and we started to have night call chats that
would last for about 30 minutes to an hour where we would tell each other how
we longed to be together.
Sometimes, Max would
compliment me and tell me dirty jokes and I would not get mad about it. It was
during this time, I began to fall for Max. I knew he was falling for me too due
to the frequency of calls and questions like, do you have a boyfriend or have
you even been with a boy. After my graduation, I was about to go back home with
my parents, but since I had not finished some issues, I requested my family to
leave me for a month, and then, I would follow suit.
In that time, it became
apparent that I would not be seeing Max, and I was getting used to the freedoms
of westernization and I could not imagine getting back into my country and
being married to a man chauvinist. Max too hanged around my room too much than
he had before, and even frequently proposed that we go to movies or camping. He
seemed interested in spending more time in isolation and giving me treats and I
tagged along.
All this time, I was
wondering what was really going on since Max never told me that he loved me,
neither did I, but I used to get jealous seeing him being cozy with any other
girl. It happened that one day that I and Max went hiking and I slipped into
his arms such that I lied on by back on his arms and he was above me. This was
the first time that Max held me. He looked at me suggestively and hesitated
from lifting me up and I was not in a hurry either to get up, I felt at peace
and I could feel how strong his arms were.
He lifted me up and
tapped on my back casually. That is really offensive in Saudi Arabia, but when
Max did it, I did not not react negatively. The more we did spend time together,
the more Max got touchy with me and I never said anything to stop him. Sometime
we would watch movies and there were instances when couples and even boyfriends
and girlfriends had sex. Max was comfortable with such sceneries, but I was
uncomfortable with them and he would openly ask me if I am shy.
In some cases, I would
excuse myself and fantasize about that with Max. On one auspicious night, we
were left alone with Max. His parent had gone for a family dinner and Max
offered to be left behind since the parents felt that it was inappropriate for
me to be left alone. It was in the last week I had before leaving for Saudi
Arabia, and it happened that we were talking about me leaving and never seeing
each other. We were on the balcony, the sky was clear with stars being shiny
and the moon appeared brighter.
Our conversation was a
bit emotional and Max approached and said that “have I ever told you that you
are beautiful?” I got tensed and excited while he approached and held me from
my waist looked deeply at me and kissed me. I felt offended and ran into my
bedroom and max followed. He held me close to his chest as he patted on my back
saying that he was sorry and it frightened him that I was leaving. I was afraid
that I was going to leave him and probably I would not get a chance to see him
again.
At that time, I
stretched my arms around his waist as I got calm, and he played a soothing
music in the background. The lights of my bedroom were off and every time Max
spoke was like he knew what I felt and what I wanted to be told. I was no
longer afraid of him and I could feel every part of him against me and his
body’s warmth and so could he also feel mine. It was not that long, we started
kissing and then it ‘happened’. Max was shocked that I was a virgin all those
years, though I had told him that I have never had any relationship with any
person, it is like he thought that I was joking with him.
After that happened, I
became tensed and Max noted and inquired why I was anxious. I told him that in
Saudi Arabia, it would be shameful if people found out that I am not a virgin
and it will be challenging to be married. Jokingly he said that “I can marry
you.” I felt relieved and embraced him as if he was already my husband, but
perhaps today I know that must be the most difficult time of Max since he might
have been caught unaware and maybe he was not ready for marriage or be
committed to me.
We sat down that night
and planned how we would tell our parents about our decision to marry since I
could not just tell my parents that I would not go back on account that Max was
my boyfriend. We began breaking the news to Max’s parents who told my parent
about the issue. Our parents did not know how to react because they were family
friends and thus, remained supportive. Our parents came to the U.S. and made
the necessary preparations.
The Turning Point
We did a simple wedding,
and we officially became husband and wife. The thought of being married to an
American was interesting and I was happy that I was in a relationship where I
was considered an equal, at least that is what I thought. I was not privy to
the fact that the sweetness and kindness that Max had shown me would start to
fade away and Max would be a stranger and one that got away.
Yes, our relationship
became murky and cold, but I was hopeful. After we rented our own apartment, the
first months were filled with the joy of newly weds. However, after a year and
six months I got pregnant. I was so thrilled and happy and prepared how I will
share the good news with Max. After breaking out the news, Max appeared to be
sad and did not share an ounce of my happiness. That night he appeared
distracted and as if he was carrying a heavy burden.
I was troubled about
what might be bothering him that much and I approached him to inquire more
about the issue. Then, the relationship was not that bad off and I was obliged
to listen to my husband. Max told me how we were not prepared to have a baby
and it would not be appropriate to raise a child in the environment we were in.
Deep inside, I became sad, but I could not show it.
I could not imagine
that I was going to lose my child, but I was torn between the love I had for Max
and fear of losing him, and the idea that Max was proposing. After strong
persuasion from him, I reluctantly agreed with his decision. I did not
anticipate that this moment of my life would be our turning point. On the day
we were supposed to go to the clinic, Max prepared the breakfast and called for
a cab, he was just extremely nice.
Despite that, I was
having second thoughts and I did not want to go to the clinic, but Max would
come up with nice and heart melting words that seemed to ward off my doubts and
ideas. I feigned to be excited like Max and showed that the issue was not a big
deal, but inside I was bleeding. We went into the clinic and Max talked to the
attendant explaining the situation and what needed to be done.
While all this was
happening, I stayed on the waiting lounge hoping that Max would change his
heart and I was tempted to run, but that thought was hindered by the fact that
I was not yet a full citizen. The nurse called me and I knew that it was time.
I dragged my feet to the place where everything was supposed to be done. The
physician noticed that I was not comfortable and asked if I was having second
thoughts. Being afraid, I showed approval for the procedure. After it was over,
I remember lying on that cold bed with tears dripping out of my eyes and
wondering if Max was the right one.
A lot of thoughts were
running in my mind at that time and what pulled me from the deep thoughts was
Max’s tap on my shoulder. He said something, but I could not get it, I was just
aloof and in pain. When we got back home, Max and I drifted apart, I was in
mourning and Max started to spend more time away from me than he previously
did. I thought maybe he was giving me time to physically and emotionally heal
from the loss of my child.
In spite of that, I could
notice that Max was being negative and less concerned about me. Sometimes, he
would receive calls and be excessively cheerful than he was with me and that
killed me because I could feel that I was losing him. He began to hang out with
some friends and would come late at night and leave early in the morning. I could
prepare dinner waiting to partake it with him, but he would still come late
even after confirming that he would be home early.
Since we had a norm of
eating together, it became challenging for me to eat alone and I started to
skip some meals. That coupled with hormonal changes made me to gain weight, and
Max never complained about the issue until I tried to have a talk and seek what
was really happening to us. In our argument, I sought to know why he comes late
and his loss of interest in spending time with me. In an outburst, he said,
“who would love to spend his time with a fat wife like you.”
Those words pierced my
soul, they were so painful such that I started to cry. I could not imagine that
Max would say that to me. When he saw that I was crying, he looked at me in
surprise and said, “are you a baby…?” I was hurting, my prince charming was
saying all the harsh things I never expected him to say. I imagined that I was
the way I was because of him and he did not have the decency to be considerate.
I sobbed and wiped my
tears and retreated to the bedroom. What followed was a period of verbal and
emotional mistreatment. He started noticing so many negatives about me such as
the way I dress, cook, walk, look, how I do my things, and even complained
about bedroom matters. He became sexually active with me and yet I could feel
like it was one way experience. I truly wanted to share that moment with him,
but he was rough and not gentle as he used to be.
Sometimes, he would get
in me when I was not ready and it was painful and I could not complain because
I loved him and for the fear if I did, he would leave me. This continued for a
while and I attempted to talk with him about the issue. He would apologize and
change, but that would not last. Things got worse when he started to take
alcohol and continued to hang out with his friends who seemed to dislike me
since they never invited me along.
He would come home
drunk and overact about small issues. All this time, I was hopeful that he
would change and I was afraid to share the issue with my or Max’s parents. I
continued to suffer until I amassed some strength and told Max that this will
not continue and that he has to change. After that talk, since I mainly
complained about how he hurts me by not adequately preparing me before he gets
into me, he began to avoid me.
A month passed without
me and Max having any serious confrontation and I was a bit happy, but I was
worried because Max did not behave in any way romantically towards me or showed
any signs of interest in me. I attempted to dress in a sexy way trying to
invite him, but he cared less. This did hurt me emotionally and I would even
get naked in front of a mirror and look at myself wondering what was wrong with
my body.
My friends would tell
me that I had a beautiful shape, but to Max, I was invisible. In some
occasions, he would get calls from Shiney, our mutual friend and that never
bothered me because she also frequently called me and came by to soothe me when
I conveyed to her what Max had done. Nonetheless, I began to get suspicious
when Shiney started to excessively be comfortable around Max and I would find
Shiney with Max alone in our house.
I confronted Max about
the issue and he said that “Shiney is just a close friend.” I believed him,
however, one day while he was taking a shower, Shiney called. I attempted to
get the phone Max, but she hanged up. What followed was a message, since it was
Shiney our mutual friend I opened it. “Hey sweetheart, you promised me that you
will marry me, we have already bought a house and made all the necessary
preparations for the baby.”
At first, I thought
this is definitely a wrong message, how could Shiney be texting my Max about a
baby and house, how, that was not possible. No sooner I had finished reading
the message than Max got out of the shower. He saw that I was in shock and
asked why I was like that. I just showed the message to him and it was the way
he reacted that gave him up. He was in shock and started to apologize. I felt
betrayed knowing that Max has been the only man to ever be in my life.
Max put on his clothes
and went away. On the next day, he came back with divorce papers, which he had
signed and told me to sign. I tried all I could to convince him that I was
ready to change. I did not know what my mistakes were, but if Max told me that
I had some issues that needed to be changed I would have willingly obliged.
However, Max was fixated on getting the divorce. I remember wondering why I had
to go through all this. I reflected on all the verbal abuse, not going back to
Saudi Arabia, giving him my all, and the abortion.
I was even willing to
let Shiney become a co-wife, but very unwilling to let Max go. I wondered why
Max would not tell Shiney to abort if that is what made him want to marry her,
he had told me to do that. I imagined about all the things that I sacrificed to
be with Max, and now he was booting me. I took me a week before I signed the divorce
papers, this was after my mum encouraged me to leave Max after telling her what
I had gone through.
Healing and Starting a New Chapter
After the divorce I
went into depression and I could not imagine that I was already a divorcee
after 2 years of marriage. I called my mother again and talked about what had
happened and she advised to me be positive that I was still young and not to
worry that much. I did not see the need of visiting a counselor, at least that
is what I thought. After the divorce, I was left with the house and really
alone since most of the friends that I had were more aligned to Max and Shiney.
Nonetheless, Kevin was concerned about what had happened and came to
visit me. Kevin had been Max’s best friend since high school and came to be one
of the few friends I had since he often visited Max. He soothed me left a
number of a psychiatrist if I needed to talk to anyone about what had really
happened. Later, I decided to call the professional who gave me direction of
where he was stationed.
When
we began the treatment, I was not sure that I would get anything and I was a
bit conservative about sharing anything with the professional. However, he
established a good rapport and my confidence towards him grew. Now that I have
got used to him, I am really responding to the treatment positively. I have
realized that I do not have to be reliant on anyone to be happy and that I am
the author of my life.
The counselling has
helped me to be vigilant and know my worth. I am confident about my body and I
know that I was not to blame for the problem that I encountered in my marriage.
In fact, Max did not deserve such a good girl like me and he is the one who
lost. Also, I know that I can remarry and have a family and be happy than I have
ever been if I get the right person. At least, I won’t be in a hurry to get
married this time.
Furthermore, I am
making true friends and I have become an outgoing person than I was before. If
I don’t like anything, I am ready to voice my opinion and not ready to continue
to suffer in silence. I have applied for a new job, which I was called for an
interview and I will be happy to secure it. I plan to continue with my studies
since I have nothing that is tying me down and I would love to continue sharing
my experience with women out there and hope that they will get out of abusive
relationship early to avoid what I went through.
In conclusion, I
believe that love is important in marriage, but as a woman you should not let
any man use you on account of loving him too much. You should be bold enough
and make appropriate decisions that will ensure that you are happy. Again, do
rush into marriage or be influence by family members or culture like it was in
my case. As you can see, getting intimate with Max got me into marriage since in
Saudi being not a virgin would have been shameful if I happened to be in an
arranged marriage. Also, I am sure that Max never intended to marry me.
Therefore, make sure that before you have those goose bumps, both of you are
prepared for the marriage. Apart from emotional and some physical abuse, Max
never raised his arm on me or battered me, we were just not right for each
other. However, that does not mean emotional and verbal abuse is not bad. In
fact, it hurts more than you can ever imagine. Above all, that marriage has
taught me a lot and I am not just any girl, but a strong one who is ready to
achieve her dreams no matter what and pursue a life of happiness and
completeness.
References
Perper, R. (2018, June 27). Saudi Arabian
women can now drive ? Here are the biggest changes they've seen in just over a
year. Retrieved from
https://www.businessinsider.com/womens-rights-in-saudi-arabia-driving-ban-2018-3?IR=T
